From the beginning..

After meeting the man of my dreams in December 2007 i never imagined we would ever be where we are today.

When i met Matt i never imagined us to become best friends or soul mates, we grew a strong bond of love so quickly and although we had our ups and downs in the first 6 months it only made us stronger. a We had to make some tough decisions and never thought anything tougher would come our way.

We moved in together and matt left behind his old life for a new life with me, a new beginning. 

We knew it would be hard as he has 3 kiddies already and he had to leave them with there mother.

I saw the pain in his eyes when the Kids mother stopped him seeing them in late 2008 for the reason being she wanted to be with him.

We both spoke about having more children as i was only 19 then and i knew i wanted to have children, we both agreed we would want children together and decided to start to come off contraception..

In the meantime we had to have a solicitor involved to get matt access to his children as there mother became very hard to deal with, we started court proceedings...

after months passed and my cycle arrived i began to get worried... also nearly a year that matt hadn't seen the kids.

We gave it up and contacted the GP as i started to panic i wasn't able to have children, each month broke my heart, she kindly referred us both to our local hospital and they started to do tests, nothing was wrong with matt's Sperm and they decided to start looking further in depth with me.

in October 2009 i had a laparoscopy to see if there was any problems with my tubes...

The results showed i had a partially blocked scarred tube and was told i had a blue dye flushed through them which is like a bleach and that i should be able to have children i was just more at risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

In march 2010 i had a odd bleed and had a awful pain in my lower abdomen i went to a&e and had suspected appendicitis u until they did my bloods and found the pregnancy hormone, i didn't know what to think as i had lost blood, they kept me in for the weekend and on Monday morning i was told i had miscarried our 1st baby. I cant explain how heart broke i was, i just didn't understand and the baby was so wanted... i was in tatters.

I was sent home and we both were utterly devastated, I began to search for support on-line and came across Baby centre, i joined and didn't really know what to expect from it, i joined the try to conceive group and began to learn.

For the next 3 cycles i cried and cried as my period arrived on time every month, i began to give up.

In June 2010 in fact 28th June to be exact i did a pregnancy test for the sake of it and i couldn't believe my eyes when it came back + i was pregnant!! excitement and nerves rushed through me but we were absolutely over the moon.

We went for a early scan to make sure the baby was growing in the right place and we saw our beautiful baby and a flashing heart beat at 5.5weeks, the most amazing sight i had ever seen.

i joined my birth board on babycentre and little did i know these ladies would be my frnds for life.

In August we had our 12weeks scan and couldn't believe how much our "Beany" had grown, we bagan to enjoy my new body and soon became apparent i was pregnant :)

We went on holiday in september and i enjoyed feeling pregnant and even noticed a small bump appearing.

Matt had started seeing the kids again with support from kaffcass and life was starting to get really good, we went for the 20 weeks scan in october and found we were having a little girl, we were both exstatic, and couldnt wait to start buying pink!

Baby due to arrive 5th March 2011.

As the last few months passed i began to become excited, March arrived and i knew i was days away from meeting our girl, 5th march came and went and now everyday was a year, i wanted to go into labour and meet my little princess so much.

11th March and still no baby... but i felt odd, id not felt her move much and just didnt feel myself, we were told to go up to the hospital for a check and was told all was fine but they noticed a irregular beat with her heart but reasurred me it was nothing to worry about, then went on to give me a membrane sweep to bring on my labour.

Within half a hr the pains started, the sickness started and the constant sat on the toilet began, the pain was redicoulusly painful but i tried to stay at home as long as possible, Matt called the hospital after a hr or so and they said to keep me home as long as possible.

2hrs passed and i couldn't handle the pain any more and was told to stay at home again by the hospital at 1am on 12.3.11 i was finally allowed to go up to the hospital, all i could think about was the pain...

I was 4cm upon arrival and was given gas and air which made me really relax although didn't really help the pain. After 2 hrs i was 5cm and given some dia morphine and i began to sleep through contractions, it got to 10am i was 8cm and was told my waters had gone well one lot had, by 12pm i was still 8cm and they popped my waters, at 2pm i began to push and nothing seemed to be happening i was exhausted, pushing for 2 hrs Then at 4.02pm my baby girl arrived into the world back to back.

She was passed to me and i noticed she was blue and floppy, Matt cut her cord and she was taken away.

Then the emergency button went and 8 people rushed into my room, i was confused i asked if she was ok to be told she was having problems breathing, little did i know they were resuscitating her.

She was rushed off and i was left with nothing, we had no idea what was happening, i delivered my placenta and waited for answers.

After half a hr The Doctor came and said she was 7lb 13oz and was in a critical condition and would be transferred to the Jessops Wing in Sheffield for Neonatal care.

The doctors explained Ayla had been starved of oxygen during birth which had affected her breathing.

I couldn't understand how? why?

They discharged me and we were told we could stay at the hospital with Ayla, she was transferred via a special ambulance and we followed in my dads car.

I was given 2 photos of her and i couldn't believe how beautiful she was, she looked just like her daddy.

Upon arrival i was told they were just sorting her tubes and wires ect and would need to wait to see her and so was shown to our room.

Within the hour we were allowed to see Ayla and she was just laid there with so many wires and tubes she looked so peaceful and her hair was so long.

It was explained to us how critical things were and that she had to have a machine doing her breathing although her hb was strong.

By this point no one knew how ill Ayla was, she was placed on a cooling matt to try and restart her body functions which had been affected by her oxygen supply, on day 3 Ayla went for a ctg scan to see if there was any signs of the treatment working, There was no brain activity and we were called into the family room, To be told they were going to withdraw Aylas care and that she wouldn't make it, they went on to explain that the part of the brain which tells you to breath (the easiest thing to do) wasn't working and so she wouldn't have a chance of survival.

We had the family up to the hospital so we could arrange a naming and blessing ceremony for our girl and so that everyone could say goodbye before we turned of her ventilator.

they took all her tubes and wires away and just left her on her ventilation whilst everyone had cuddles and said there goodbyes, i sat and sobbed.

At 12.45AM 15.3.11 we turned off our babies life support and took off her ventilator, her daddy carried her to our room, she started to breath on her own and we couldn't believe it, we were told it wouldn't last long, Matt held her for 20minutes just kissing her and staring at her i could see the pain in his eyes and just sat looking at them, i couldn't hold her as i knew she would die in my arms, matt persuaded me and i took a hold of my daughter, my tears fell upon her face and she began to struggle, after 10 minutes she took her last breath in my arms and i felt her spirit lift from her, they confirmed she had passed away at 1.15am..

we spent the next few hours bathing and dressing Ayla and was told we could keep her with us for as long as we needed. 

We laid in bed and cuddled Ayla, she soon began to go cold her pink colour began to fade and i became afraid of touching her, i placed her in a blanket in a cot at the side of our bed, i drifted to sleep, within 10minutes i was startled i knew it was time to say our last goodbyes, Matt got the nurse and she took her to rose cottage where she would rest with the other babies, i fell to the floor and cried so hard, i felt my heart get ripped out and stood on, i was so numb.

Matt was being so strong and he held me so tight we cried together.

The next day we gave permission for Ayla to have a post mortem and we went back to my dads for a few days i couldn't face going home.

During the next few days we received so many messages, card and flowers, i couldn't believe how many hearts our little girl had touched.

We eventually found the courage to go home and my dad packed up all her baby things into the car and took them to his where they would stay.

We had our angel cremated on the 31st March and her service was beautiful.

Over the next few weeks i received so many messages my heart sank, i returned to baby centre and was given so much support from fellow march mummies.

I received a beautiful chain with Aylas hand print embedded in it with her name and dob and dod and since April 2011 it hasn't left my neck, its the most precious thing iv ever had.

Over the passing months i joined the try to conceive after loss group on baby centre and grew even more friends and Aylas post-mortem results were to go to an inquest.

In Aug my period was getting later and later and i was showing no signs of being pregnant even though my cycles had returned to normal, on Sept 12 i was told to have a urine sample at the docs, followed by bloods as my period was 2 weeks late and i had a call to say there was a faint line on the doctors test and that i was pregnant, i was in shock i was numb.

The next few days confirmed i was pregnant and my pregnancy levels were doubling nicely, our Angel had sent us our RAINBOW BABY!

i was so thankful but utterly scared, as the weeks went by i began to start to enjoy my pregnancy and the 12 weeks scan soon came round at which we saw our beautiful rainbow baby.

The weeks passed and i became more and more impatient as to which sex we were having by 15 weeks i couldn't take it any longer, my amazing friends from March11 group had collected for me to have a private gender scan and to get babies 1st outfit.

It was such an amazing feeling knowing how much support and how many true friends i actually had, the scan showed were having another princess i was over the moon!!

Our 21weeks scan confirmed she was a girl and that everything was perfect with her organs and growth.

I have continued to have growth scans one at 26weeks were she was an estimated 1lb 15oz, 30weeks where she was an estimated 3lb 6oz and 34weeks were she was estimated 5lb 1oz with little legs..

Today i am 35 weeks and im getting more and more nervous but looking forward to my Rainbows arrival via csection in 3weeks and 6days, May 15th!!

My baby continuous to grow along with my tummy ...

Miss my angel more than words can express xxx